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~~~~~~~ WIT and WISDOM - February 23, 1999
I've learned - That money is a lousy way of keeping score.
(E-zine: THE FUNNIES Mailto:Andychap@aol.com)
~~~~~~~ SPECIAL THOUGHTS:
SYMPTOMS OF INNER PEACE
Be on the lookout for symptoms of inner peace. The hearts of a great many have already been exposed to inner peace and it is possible that people everywhere could come down with it in epidemic proportions. This could pose a serious threat to what has, up to now, been a fairly stable condition of conflict in the world.
Some signs to look for:
- A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than on fears
based on past experiences.
- An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.
- A loss of interest in judging other people.
- A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others.
- A loss of interest in conflict.
- A loss of the ability to worry. (This is a very serious symptom.)
- Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation.
- Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature.
- Frequent attacks of smiling.
- An increasing tendency to let things happen rather than
make them happen.
- An increased susceptibility to the love offered by others as
well as the uncontrollable urge to extend it.
(David & Virginia via 'Have A Nice Day' E-mail list
~~~~~~~ THIS & THAT:
A HOME MECHANIC'S TOOL GUIDE - Part 1 of 2 (Part 2, 03-03-99)
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the chaos principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your drink across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch".
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.
(E-zine: TERESA'S JOKERS http://www.eGroups.com/list/jo-jokers/)
~~~~~~~ KEEP SMILING:
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things." "Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness".
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"
(E-zine: THE FUNNIES Mailto:Andychap@aol.com)
Penal Code 6260, California State Vehicle Act, Chapter XVIII, Paragraph 187:
"It is a misdemeanour to shoot at any kind of game bird or mammal except a whale, from an automobile or airplane."
A transportation law in the state of Kansas:
"When two trains approach each other at a crossing, they shall both stop, and neither shall start up until the other has gone."
In 1910, a law was passed by the city of Waterloo, Nebraska:
"It shall be illegal for any barber in this town to eat onions between 7 AM and 7 PM."
(E-zine: GOBBLER GROUP http://www.onelist.com/subscribe.cgi/Gobbler_Group)