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WITandWISDOM(tm) - October 6, 1999
Where the heart is willing it will find a thousand ways, but where it is unwilling it will find a thousand excuses. - Author Unknown -The Timothy Report, Swan Lake Communications, http://www.swanlake.twoffice.com/contact3313.html, July 5 1999
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~~~~~~~ SPECIAL THOUGHTS:
During the Korean war, one man was hurt badly on the battlefield of Heartbreak Ridge. His buddies were in a foxhole about 50 yards away when the man was hit by sniper fire in an ambush.
As the fire continued, the other men discussed amongst themselves what to do. But since the sniper fire was too intense, to crawl out and bring back their wounded buddy would mean almost certain death.
For a while no one would move. The men in the foxhole could hear their wounded friend yelling for help.
Then one of the men in the foxhole began to look intensely at his own watch. He could not keep his eyes off it. All others in the foxhole noticed this, and began to ask questions. But the soldier with the watch remained silent.
All of a sudden, the man with the watch jumped out of the foxhole, and crawled over to his wounded buddy. He then grabbed him by the nape of the collar, and very slowly made his way back to the foxhole, all the while sniper fire whizzing around. Both amazingly did make it back to the foxhole without another bullet penetration.
After the sniper fire had died down, the man who saved his wounded buddy was asked why he waited so long to crawl after his wounded friend. To which he responded: "My mom said every day at the exact same time she would be praying for me. And according to my watch, I left the foxhole exactly when she started praying."
- Author Unknown
~~~~~~~ THIS & THAT:
The following essay was actually written by a student applying for admission to NYU in response to the question "Are there any personal accomplishments or significant experiences you have had that have helped define you as a person?"
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. I write award-winning operas. I manage time efficiently.
Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my trombone playing. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook 30-minute brownies in 20 minutes.
I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello. I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays after school I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a blender and a toaster oven.
I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
The author was accepted and is reportedly now attending college at NYU.
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~~~~~~~ KEEP SMILING:
A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by way of an usher. The note read: "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."
Failing to observe the punctuation, the clergyman startled his audience by announcing: "Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."
(Terry Marchal via E-zine: KEITH'S MOSTLY CLEAN HUMOR Mailto:firstname.lastname@example.org?body=subscribe%20mchawlist%0d%0aexit )
The daughter of comedian Groucho Marx was once denied admittance to an exclusive country club swimming pool with her friends because she and her family were not members. Realizing what had happened, embarrassed officials sent the Marx family an apology and an application to join. Groucho declined the invitation with the comment, "I wouldn't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member."
Someone still tried to smooth over the incident by persuading the comedian to allow an application to be submitted for membership. The country club was embarrassed further when the application was denied. The reason? The Marx family was Jewish and the club was "restricted."
True to form, Groucho wrote back: "My wife is not Jewish. Can she go swimming and let our daughter wade up to her waist?"
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